As the holidays approach, I think of the idyllic Norman Rockwell painting, "Thanksgiving" (1943, Saturday Evening Post) and note its remarkable longevity as an icon of family life. Forty years this side of the cultural revolution, the ideal of the "intact" family remains surprisingly strong. According to a just-off-the-presses poll, almost three quarters of Americans still believe that "God's plan for marriage is one man, one woman, for life", at the same time, becoming increasingly tolerant of alternative family arrangements. "Seventy-one percent idealize the traditional family even as divorce, cohabitation, and nontraditional family situations are becoming more accepted across religious groups. Only 22% of Americans think that divorce is a sin and almost half (49%) say that cohabitation is acceptable. According to the survey, the growing acceptance of divorce is also occurring among religious conservatives. Only 34% of evangelical Christians and 30% of traditional Catholics say that divorce is a sin" (Religion and Ethics Newsweekly Poll conducted by Greenberg Quinlan Rosner Research, Inc.; www.pbs.org/wnet/religionandethics/week908/p-survey.html). Despite all of the Rockwell-ian images about family that may swim around in our heads, the trend toward alternative family arrangements continues at a brisk pace. In the 1950s, 80 percent of all Americans lived in a household where the head of household was married. In 2005, 50 percent of Americans live in a household where the head of household is unmarried. In 1970, traditional families (married couples with their own children) comprised 40% of American households. Thirty years later in 2000, they made up a mere 24%. And the number of unmarried couples living together increased tenfold between 1960 and 2000. (Census Bureau statistics.) The Religion and Ethics Newsweekly team asked the following questions as it analyzed the data from its poll: what are the differences between traditional and nontraditional families in their relationship to religious life? (Note: the Religion and Ethics poll defined "traditional" families as any married couple with children under the age of 18, or 24 percent of the American population. "Non-traditional" was defined as unmarried parents with children under the age of 18, or 16 percent of Americans. That definition can include single parents; it can include cohabitating couples who have children but are not married; it can also include same-sex relationships with children.) Here are some of their findings: - 50 percent of people in traditional families attend church or religious services at least once a week;
- 36 percent of people in nontraditional families attend church or religious services at least once a week;
- 68 percent of weekly attendees have never been divorced/separated;
- 32% percent of weekly attendees have been divorced/separated.
University of Virginia sociology professor Brad Wilcox is particularly interested in the relationship between family structure and religious change. In an October 19, 2005 press conference, Wilcox made the following observations: "Religious attendance in the U.S. fell from 41 percent in 1972 to 31 percent in 2002. My statistical analyses of the data indicate that 28 percent of the decline in religious attendance over the last 30 years can be attributed to family change, especially the fact that fewer adults are now married with children. In a word, changes in family structure have played an important role in the nation's secularization…If we had the same number of adults who are married with [children] as we did in 1972, we'd see a lot more folks in the pews on Sunday."
You may be wondering, "Why even think about these numbers?" If Wilcox is right, there's not much we as church leaders can do. When thirty percent of the church attendance drop in the last thirty years seems directly attributable to sociological shifts, our reflex response may be to shrug our shoulders. We may just say, "That's just the way it is", and continue to focus on the traditional families who have been our bread and butter for so long. I'd like to make a case for the opposite approach. Instead of doing what we've always done - focusing almost exclusively on the intact family - why not get inside the lives of non-traditional parents and children, orienting more of our ministries—including worship—in that direction? We certainly wouldn't want to leave behind the good things we're doing for traditional families, but let's admit the obvious. There is a huge imbalance. Anna Greenberg, senior analyst with Greenberg Quinlan Rosner Research, Inc., speaks to this imbalance and describes some of the needs of non-traditional families: "…there are huge stresses in the lives of nontraditional families. People in nontraditional families are lower income; there are more minorities. They are more economically marginal than people in traditional families. We know that one of the things marriage does is increase economic stability. But if you look at the range of questions about what people in families worry about, nontraditional families are 10 and 20 points more worried on every single measure about their kids, whether that's economic issues or values issues. I infer from some of [the poll data] that the kind of stresses around nontraditional families may make it harder for them to participate in traditional religious institutions. They've got incredible time challenges. Mostly they are raising their kids alone. A majority of nontraditional families are single parents. They're not people with partners, so it may just be hard for them to get that into their life. The kind of stresses around time and other aspects of nontraditional families' lives, where traditional participation is just much harder for them" (Commentary, Faith and Family in America Survey, www.pbs.org/wnet/religionandethics/week908/p-commentary.html).
Considering Greenberg's comments, what might worship look like if we were to seriously consider the realities of the non-traditional family? Here are a couple of suggestions to get you started. As part of your sermon preparation each month, enlist the comments and concerns of non-traditional families by meeting with a small group of parents at least once monthly. With your sermon series or lectionary texts in tow, dialogue about the next four weeks of sermons, taking each theme or sermon topic and asking how that the story or the issue it raises speaks to them. Ask them what the text makes them think about regarding their own life experiences and challenges. Listen to their stories, and if you plan to use any of them in your message, be sure to ask permission. One sure way to involve non-traditional parents is to invite them to a meal. One idea would be to meet outside of church, taking them to local, family-owned restaurants for dinner. (Pastors have gotten to know more restaurant owners this way, and you'd be surprised at the bond that develops as you do ministry together! Even if the restaurant owners are unchurched, they will get into the spirit of the gatherings, especially if you are ministering to the less fortunate, more marginalized of the community.) Ask for contributions to a special fund so you can take these parents out and give them a break. Include nursery care for their children. Try rotating two groups, so that the same group meets every other month. This once-a-month gathering could be a high-point in your ministry. I guarantee it will open doors for the Gospel, and open your eyes to aspects, needs, and a rich, hidden tapestry of human experience in your community. Assuming that you have some kind of worship planning community, begin looking for potential members who are in a non-traditional family situation. Their perspective will be vital as you attempt to bring more balance into your worship service. It will be a challenge for them to commit time if they are working several jobs or juggling work with school. It will also be a challenge because they have child-care needs. Be ready to make the scheduling changes and childcare commitments necessary for them to contribute. If they simply can't break away, invite their participation via e-mail, or better yet, in a live, cyber-conferencing situation with the rest of the group. If your Web site does not have a chat-room to house such a discussion, now might be the time to set one up. As Greenberg pointed out, parents in non-traditional settings are very concerned that their children are not getting what they need to function well in life. There is usually little money for lessons and the extras traditional families often take for granted. Many of these parents are already trying to manage their children's behavioral or learning problems at school. Tragically, they have the sense that their children simply do not matter and are continually being by-passed by the system. By personally inviting their children to participate in some way in a worship service, you will have put a salve on long-open wounds, and given them hope that someone, somewhere really cares about their kids. That participation could take the form of a solo in a children's choir, taking photos for Powerpoint presentation for Mother's Day, reciting their original poem about seeing God in their family, or carrying a huge candle to the front of the church at the beginning of the Advent season. No matter how small the part, the invitation to be a part of a worship service is a healing, affirming experience for both parents and children. It also sends the message to the rest of the congregation that these families matter, and that they are an integral part of the community. |